going from here

i never really finished my last blog. i didnt have time and so i just posted what i had and decided to finish it...well, now.

the main thing i regret about all of the things i have done, are the people i hurt or drug down along the way. i am just afraid that that will be the only thing left of me when i am gone. just the bad things i might have done to people while i was still around. the parts arent always the sum of the whole.

and while i do wish to take back or re-do a lot of things in my life, i wonder if i would still end up where i am today? i mostly like where i am today. i am in love and have a lovely home and a great cat and i like my job on some days. would i risk all of the things i have now, just to rewind and undo some bad things?

i dont know. i dont really think so. i just wish i could be where i am without all of the baggage i brought along with me.

re-think. re-wind.

regret.

just that word makes my stomach turn. the though of knowing you've done something that you hate, but it is nothing that you can change.

lately i have been seeing a few of my old friends, reminiscing about the 'old days'. and sure, i do have many great memories in there. but i mostly think about the bad, about the wrong, about my regrets. they seemed to have come over me like a wave in these past weeks. and the worst is knowing that you just have to live with them. there is no chance of going back to change a damn thing.

to miss, and be missed

is a horrible thing!

i hate it. i hate the feeling of missing someone and i hate the feeling of knowing that you are being missed. i feel fairly comfortable saying that it is the worst feeling in the world. that, and disappointment.

it has been strange lately how my past is coming out of the woodwork. old friends calling me up. old feelings being stirred that havent been touched in awhile. old days being remembered.

i miss my cousin. her and i, we're soul-mates. but something happened to the family, and now we hardly talk at all. sometimes i think she hates me. but i still love her so much. the thought of her makes me want to cry, i miss her so bad. i miss having that one person to count on, to be able to talk to, to relate to. and of course i have wes, whom i love with my whole heart and i know i could tell him anything. but, it's different when it is someone you've known and loved and held dear your whole life (and is also female). someone who was there for all of these years and is suddenly gone. besides, sometimes i need to talk to someone about him (hehe, just kidding baby <3)

i miss my high school friends. i miss high school sometimes too. all of the people calling me up lately and wanting to hang out are for the most part great people. but i am kinda worried about getting mixed up in all of the shit again.it hurts to know that even though i was so miserable, so depressed all of the time, that i want some of those things back. i am not even sure why. maybe because it was so familiar for so long? maybe because i really did like being so miserable. and i knew that everyone was miserable with me. we were so close, they were my family.

i am so incredibly happy right now. but i am also scared. that might be it. i was never scared of anything before. i never had much to lose so i never cared. but now.... things are so different.

i am so in love and feel so overwhelmed with the love i am getting in return, but it is a scary thing. there is so much to be lost. i am afraid of fucking up the balance somehow and losing it all.

that could very well be why i am missing the old days. those dark days when even though you are surrounded by friends, you feel so lonely. those party days where i would miss school or call into work just to get a high from who knows what drug. those fucking ridiculous days. if i knew anyone who was still like that, i would pity them. i would think them to be an irresponsible wretch. but, i miss it.

i suppose i'll just have to wait for it to go away. ignore it, you think? i havent quite figured it out yet, but as soon as i do, i'll let you know.


on a much lighter, happier note, the holidays are here! i love this time if the year! i love the fall and the colors and the clouds and leaves and the pretty decorations and the food and the family, friends, and presents. it is a beautiful time, and it is arriving quickly!

and in know that by december, i'll want it all to be over, hehe. i'll be done with it.

but for now, i will enjoy it.

xoxo

p.s. please ignore all typos. i was in a hurry to write this and it would have taken me twice as long if i had capitalized every letter that is supposed to be, or put in all of the correct punctuation. <3

Such is Life

I really am trying to be a little bit better about keeping on top of my blog, but as someone, somewhere, might have noticed is that I'm not. I pretty much suck at this sort of thing, but I do find some pleasure in it so I want to get better at it.

On a different note, life goes on. I am rather frustrated about the fact that my parents are still bitter towards Wes. It wasn't like it was all his decision and he made me move in with him. Why do they hold it so strongly against him? It hurts my heart and my feelings to no end that the both of us can't go over for dinner, or he can't come over to meet the extended family on Thanksgiving. They are a part of my life, as is Wes, and I just want the two parts to become one. I think if I could have anything in the world, it would be that.

Moving on again. I have officially began Christmas shopping! I am rather proud of myself for beginning so early. All I have gotten is a little something for my dear younger brother, but hey, we all have to start somewhere.

The holidays are going to be particularly stressful as far as family goes. If I had my choice it would be to spend the whole day with Wes as we made our rounds from house to house. But, of course, that wont happen. So I have to choose where I'll be at what time, whose house I'll be eating Thanksgiving dinner at, where I'll be Christmas day, etc. It's a pain in the ass.

Lately I have been pretty stressed out about, not only things like family, but my jobs and money and feeling sick and getting fat and all of that fun stuff. It's hard and I hate having things like that floating around in my brain. But as soon as I get home I feel so content and comfortable that even if those things are in my brain, they don't seem to bother me so much.

I guess thats what love does, huh?

xoxo

secrets?

Tell me what you think of things like 'Postsecret' or 'GroupHug'. Things where you can openly say anything that might be weighing you down and hurting your heart without the negative repercussions. I think it is wonderful. Not only do I enjoy reading them and knowing that there are others out there who feel the same as I do about some things, but there are also people out there who are more fucked up than me. Haha. But, I must confess, I have also submitted a secret. It is a cool feeling to know that other people are going to know your secret and maybe even relate to it.

Onto other things. Life seems so wonderful right now. I am sitting here on the couch, typing away, while my dearest love is watching 'The Illusionist' and cuddling with Leo, our cat. Initially, Wes didn't really want to have Leo. He just wanted to be pet free for a little while. Seeing as how he came from a house with two dogs and three cats, I could understand that. But, it wasn't really up to us, my mom made me take him when I moved out. But now, Wes and Leo are the best of friends. Wes always scoops (as well as one can scoop up a large, tubby kitty) him up and will just hold him and pet him and play with his tail and whiskers. He considers us a little family and I am the mama and he is the papa, and Leo is our baby. Aw.

Enough for tonight. The calm and peace of the night is calling me, and I want to cuddle with my man and my baby.

<3

Lifey

I AM SO BORED AT WORK.... ALL OF THE TIME.


I just saw the very first sketches of the tattoo I will be getting. I am soooo incredibly excited. It is very beautiful. I am a bit paranoid about people stealing my idea/s, so I'll have to to think about whether or not I want to share the concept of the art with any of you..... hrm. I'll think about it.

Think About It

Did you know that humans are made out of the same materials as stars? Everything is just in a different format. Could you imagine, being accidentally being created a star instead of a person? Being wished upon, seeing the whole world day after day (or I suppose night after night), looking down on wars and lovers and children growing up and rivers drying and mountains falling.

I wish I could see all of that.

Times are strange right now. Fall is here and it's fucking freezing already. Work is wearing me out a lot more than it used to. And there seems to be so much more drama right now. People having babies and getting married, people dying and getting sick; and I am here in the middle of it, just waiting my turn for something to happen.

Home Now

I recently moved into a new apartment with my boyfriend, Wes. Now, I don't know about anyone else out there, but I grew up in a Christian household with loving, beautiful parents. They are the type of parents who are young(er) and very cool. And although they are fun to hang out with, they aren't the 'friend' type either. They were always very protective and somewhat strict. So, needless to say, it was heartbreaking for them when I told them I was moving out with him. Which in turn was heartbreaking for me.

But I know that this was the right decision; it has been barely a week and I am so happy here. And I know that he is too.

I still get anxious about my family though. I know that they will always love me no matter what, but knowing how difficult this was for them makes it very difficult for me. I often get so guilty about it that I want to cry and run back home. But I know in my heart that that isn't really what I want. It would only be to please them, and I would soon be gone again.

This is my very first blog ever, and I hope to use it as a diary and maybe get some self-realization out of it.