to miss, and be missed

is a horrible thing!

i hate it. i hate the feeling of missing someone and i hate the feeling of knowing that you are being missed. i feel fairly comfortable saying that it is the worst feeling in the world. that, and disappointment.

it has been strange lately how my past is coming out of the woodwork. old friends calling me up. old feelings being stirred that havent been touched in awhile. old days being remembered.

i miss my cousin. her and i, we're soul-mates. but something happened to the family, and now we hardly talk at all. sometimes i think she hates me. but i still love her so much. the thought of her makes me want to cry, i miss her so bad. i miss having that one person to count on, to be able to talk to, to relate to. and of course i have wes, whom i love with my whole heart and i know i could tell him anything. but, it's different when it is someone you've known and loved and held dear your whole life (and is also female). someone who was there for all of these years and is suddenly gone. besides, sometimes i need to talk to someone about him (hehe, just kidding baby <3)

i miss my high school friends. i miss high school sometimes too. all of the people calling me up lately and wanting to hang out are for the most part great people. but i am kinda worried about getting mixed up in all of the shit again.it hurts to know that even though i was so miserable, so depressed all of the time, that i want some of those things back. i am not even sure why. maybe because it was so familiar for so long? maybe because i really did like being so miserable. and i knew that everyone was miserable with me. we were so close, they were my family.

i am so incredibly happy right now. but i am also scared. that might be it. i was never scared of anything before. i never had much to lose so i never cared. but now.... things are so different.

i am so in love and feel so overwhelmed with the love i am getting in return, but it is a scary thing. there is so much to be lost. i am afraid of fucking up the balance somehow and losing it all.

that could very well be why i am missing the old days. those dark days when even though you are surrounded by friends, you feel so lonely. those party days where i would miss school or call into work just to get a high from who knows what drug. those fucking ridiculous days. if i knew anyone who was still like that, i would pity them. i would think them to be an irresponsible wretch. but, i miss it.

i suppose i'll just have to wait for it to go away. ignore it, you think? i havent quite figured it out yet, but as soon as i do, i'll let you know.


on a much lighter, happier note, the holidays are here! i love this time if the year! i love the fall and the colors and the clouds and leaves and the pretty decorations and the food and the family, friends, and presents. it is a beautiful time, and it is arriving quickly!

and in know that by december, i'll want it all to be over, hehe. i'll be done with it.

but for now, i will enjoy it.

xoxo

p.s. please ignore all typos. i was in a hurry to write this and it would have taken me twice as long if i had capitalized every letter that is supposed to be, or put in all of the correct punctuation. <3