going from here

i never really finished my last blog. i didnt have time and so i just posted what i had and decided to finish it...well, now.

the main thing i regret about all of the things i have done, are the people i hurt or drug down along the way. i am just afraid that that will be the only thing left of me when i am gone. just the bad things i might have done to people while i was still around. the parts arent always the sum of the whole.

and while i do wish to take back or re-do a lot of things in my life, i wonder if i would still end up where i am today? i mostly like where i am today. i am in love and have a lovely home and a great cat and i like my job on some days. would i risk all of the things i have now, just to rewind and undo some bad things?

i dont know. i dont really think so. i just wish i could be where i am without all of the baggage i brought along with me.

re-think. re-wind.

regret.

just that word makes my stomach turn. the though of knowing you've done something that you hate, but it is nothing that you can change.

lately i have been seeing a few of my old friends, reminiscing about the 'old days'. and sure, i do have many great memories in there. but i mostly think about the bad, about the wrong, about my regrets. they seemed to have come over me like a wave in these past weeks. and the worst is knowing that you just have to live with them. there is no chance of going back to change a damn thing.